Grace Mckenzie

I don't have a picture to go with this post because 1. I haven't blogged in forever and 2. there really is no picture that could sum up this day.  We started out the day at Scooter's jungle to burn off some summer break steam, we met up with Jen, Olivia and Ruby.  You guys played until you could play no more and you got to witness your brother do the big slide by himself and the look on your face was priceless, equal parts horror, and enthusiasm.  It was an especially poignant moment for me because I remember you finally deciding you wanted to do that very same slide on your own about 5 years before.  We stopped and got sandwiches and while we were on our way home you asked me to put on Disney's Shake It Up music and I said no, because I had just been bombarded with happy pop feel good music at Scooters jungle and I wanted to listen to something of mine.  i wanted to listen to Tracy Chapman's, Fast Car for some reason and while it played I talked to you about how this was one of my all time favorite songs and how I used to listen to her album(???) with my best friend over and over again.  You asked if we had sleepovers and I proceeded to tell you yes, and described what we used to do when we were dreaming of our future in 7th grade.  You were fascinated that I had sleepovers once upon a time (it's your current obsession).  Then after we went to the grocery store you asked about this mysterious best friend and I pointed her out to you in my wedding album, which led to a question I thought I might have a bit longer to answer.  When you saw the picture of my mom walking me down the aisle you asked where my Dad was because that was a Daddy's job.  Pause-Heartbeat-Pause-Heartbeat while I figured out whether to distract you or to answer honestly.  It was hard, but I pride myself in always being honest with you about everything and so I told you the truth, which was that my dad was at the wedding but that you didn't know him because he is a man that even I don't know that well.  You cried and asked why, and I had to explain that my mom and dad broke up when I was little like Jack.  You begged me to call them both and ask if they could get back together.  Enter heartbreak of complete proportions when I had to explain the difference in people who love each other and people who decide they don't.  I said that they decide that they don't really like each other and sometimes people who divorce fight alot.  You say...You and Daddy fight...like about your driving...hahhaha hard not to laugh when I explain that REAL fighting includes mean words and things you can't take back.  You said that that was silly because Daddy is always laughing while he tells you to drive slower.  I could see the fear in your eyes though.  It's the start of something new now, seeing some of the bad in the world without a shield and I'm crying over it.  I want to keep you always in this bubble of protectiveness, I know it's impossible but I want it nonetheless.  I hope to be able to always show you a loving relationship, to make you feel secure and firm in your belief in you.  We went and saw Brave on Monday with all the girls and one of your little girlfriends Kelsey, I loved the story because Meridia wanted to be her own person, not what others wanted her to be and I hope the same for you.  You are an amazing person Grace McKenzie Lemley and I can't wait to see what you do and who you'll become.  I love you more than you could know and I hope I never stifle you with that and that you always have the environment to make you feel safe and secure in who you are...my amazing grace.